I guess I keep coming back here because at this point, writing is how I'm living. I'm done surviving. For survival is just us making sure none of us end up dead and that is deeming to be hard. Survival through the battles and the scars means we are at least hiding in the bushes and we aren't trying to catch our prey. I want to live. And so this is how I'm living. Maybe it's awkward. Maybe it's stupid. But I know that if I don't document these moments of pain I'll miss the feeling when it's gone. Not the feeling of pain. The feeling of itching to write all the time. I swear it happens. It's like I'm going through this dream and I keep wanting to make sure I remember it. I keep wanting to remember this moment. And how I feel in it.
Because surely it's probably the lowest point of my life I have ever been at. And I'm not proud of it but I'm hoping it doesn't go lower. The worst is to think this is just the beginning. And so by documenting this moment hopefully I can look back and say, yes. I went through THAT. So if I can go through that, I can go through anything.
I want to reclaim this space. By wanting perfection I continue to lie to myself about how I'm feeling. And so maybe today I won't say something inspiring. Because I'm not.
I was flipping through my poetry book my friend gifted to me in 2016 and am jealous of the writer I was. How easily my hand guided the pen. Now I feel stuck. And instead of speaking about something good and different. Refreshing and inspiring. I'm writing about how I'm stuck. How I'm regretful. Ungrateful. And writing should make sense. I should do it to inspire. But instead I'm writing to live. Because I'm sure survival is the easier part. Even though these days it seems like it isn't.
May Peace Be Upon You, Asalamu Alaykum.
I want to start being truthful to myself. Maybe it's the looming "Happy New Years" I hear when I step outside. Maybe it's the feeling that as I grow older certain patterns don't seem to leave my life. Or it's the fears that keep repeating themselves in front of me. Sometimes the monsters don't sleep under our beds. They sleep inside us. And we tuck them in each night.
My response to fear as a child was a hybrid between false hope and acceptance. Let's say my fear took the shape of a Big Scary Monster. I would hide from the Big Scary Monster. If it scouted me out, I would pretend I wasn't hiding and that I merely didn't see it. And then I would befriend it. And just when the time was right I would build up the courage, take a sharp shard of glass and - this scene never came. Because I didn't ever build up the courage to hurt it. I would give myself false hope that it will change into something beautiful and accept my fate when it didn't. And as the fears went from Big Scary Monster to more complex beings - my response to them never changed.
And now, the Big Scary Monster has left from under my bed. Instead, I sleep each night with a fear. Of love.
It's such a simple statement. But I could never imagine saying that out loud. And that's why it's easier for me to write it here because it has taken years of silence to muster up. Silence in relationships I could see falling apart. Silence in relationships I had but didn't want. And silence in relationships I wanted but never had.
I do believe I have the capability to give love. But also the inability of accepting it. Just as I befriended the Big Scary Monster, I take love out of fear. Thankfully I don't know the feeling of being without it. I am quick to be the first to give love if that means it's easier for me to take it. Never deep enough. Never open enough. Just quick enough.
In a theory in psychology my awesome-crazy-smart-sister explained to me called Object Relations Theory, there is a process to be able to use an object. First a subject must put the object through destruction. If the object survives destruction, it can be used. The most simple example of this can be the relationship between a mother and her child.
Too many have thought destruction to be evil. Is it really, though? Caterpillars destruct their cocoon to break free and become butterflies. Babies destruct their mother's womb and enter into her arms instead. And then there's matriphagy. It's a process in which some species of animals actually eat their mothers. It's crucial for the survival of the species.
In nature, destruction is seen to be a step in creation.
I am afraid of destroying. Not because I am soft and kind. But because I fear the love I can use. I'm finally realizing how much love I have soaked in like a sponge and have not used.
Accepting love is scary because it's hard work. It means understanding the extent to which someone else on this earth is ready to go for you. Sometimes people who have lost significant relationships earlier on in life have trouble with love. And sometimes people who received the wrong kind of love have trouble accepting it.
Stephen Chbosky was not wrong when he said we accept the love we think we deserve.
Okay enough with this love talk. I hope I made some sense. I hope this year comes with strengthening of old and new relationships. And Overcoming Fears.
May Peace Be Upon You, Asalamu alaykum.
The best time to write is in hardship.
When locked in real prisons or the heart's cage
Locked in sinking ships in between holes
Confused life roles
Choosing paths of different intent
Crossing path with forbidden love and descent
Descent of the crescent moon.
Who shies away from giving light
Afraid to reveal too much and take you away from harsh times,
Because then you will stop all that you write.
I always use one strategy when I am trying to complete a task in which I can see the progress physically. For example, if I've been given the task to write out the numbers 1-1,000 on cue cards, I'll use this method.
My trick is to set mini goals in my mind within one task and use incentives to work towards it. I know it sounds simple and all but for me it's life-changing. It's the difference between a fail and a pass. Between a yes or a no. Between a feeling of fulfillment or regret.
Although it can't be seen, my mini goals this year have been accomplished. And although I set out to complete a full task this year, I was always striving for the mini goals.
I have regrets this year. Everyone does. But one thing I know is that I am still going to continue no matter what. Because where I spend my time, money, and energy is in my hands.
I know it sounds vague and may not make sense now - but I hope this forces you to think about your own self rather than about me. I always intended that with this blog. Because I believe in this space. I am not trying to connect with you. We can leave Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat for that. Here, I want YOU to connect with you. Here, I want you to think about the vessels you want to fill and the gaps you want in your life. Here, I hope I give you a break from the glitz and glam of social media to remind you that we are all struggling.
So, how do you reach your goals?
May Peace Be Upon You, Asalamu Alaykum.
"O you who have believed, do not put [yourselves] before Allah and His Messenger but fear Allah. Indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing." - Quran 49:1 (Sahih International)
"The best among you are those who have the best manners and character." - Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)
"I am not what happened to me, I am what I chose to become." - Carl Jung
"The function of leadership is to create more leaders, not followers." - Ralph Nader
"You have never had to steal my breath or take it away, somehow you have always managed to convince me to hand it over freely." - Tyler Knott Gregson
"These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb." - Najwa Zebian
"I finally understand that I do not write, I leak." - Tyler Knott Gregson
"I am too little butter on too much bread. I am too many thoughts in too little head." - Tyler Knott Gregson
"How can land be owned by another man...is the sky owned by birds and the river owned by fish." - Lupe Fiasco
"Who you are, what you think, feel, and do, what you love—is the sum of what you focus on." - Carl Newport
"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." - George Bernard Shaw
"The pain leaves bit by bit. Be patient. You are healing." - Yasmin Mogahed
"An image I always like is of a circle of knowledge — but as the circle grows, as the diameter increases, so does the circumference that’s in contact with all that darkness outside the circle of light — that ignorance." - Stuart Firestein
"Sometimes the only way to catch your breath is to lose it completely." - Tyler Knott Gregson
"It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. Once that belief becomes deep conviction, things begin to happen." - Muhammad Ali
"Love isn't soft, like those poets say. Love has teeth which bite and the wounds never close." - Stephen King
"To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power. Or a rainbow in its climbing, falling colors." - Maya Angelou
"What we need is more people who specialize in the impossible." - Theodore Roethke
"Travelling. It leave you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller." - Ibn Battuta
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy
"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory." - Dr. Seuss
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. – Robert Louis Stevenson